apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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