I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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