I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
