I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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