my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
