When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
