Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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