you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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