I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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