C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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