I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
