How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
