I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
