just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
