I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
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