I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
