your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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