Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
