Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
