I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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