Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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