mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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