you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
