I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
