I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
