theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
