Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i barfeds in our rink
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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