i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
