Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
