Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
