remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
