I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
