I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
