it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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