i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
