ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
