Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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