I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
