lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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