Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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