eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
