I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
