you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
