Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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