It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
