why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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