Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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