Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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