So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
