So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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